It’s been brought to my attention by quite a few sources now (too many to ignore) that I write a lot on relationships. The interesting thing about this is for nearly a year, I made the conscious choice to practice abstinence of the penis variety.
Just before Christmas last year, I had a situation occur with my now ex husband and made a choice that I needed his energy away from me. I was being controlled by the promise of orgasms on demand and that was not a solid basis for a relationship.
While others would happily blame the other person for the breakdown of a relationship which went pear-shaped, I choose the path less traveled of self accountability.
“I wonder what I did to contribute to this situation?” I asked myself for the first time ever and reflected with integrity. The answer wasn’t from that week, month or even that year so much as going back to our VERY FIRST kiss.
Now how could a kiss that resulted in a 5 year marriage and two children be where I went wrong I hear you ask.. It’s quite simply a matter of intention.
Going back to 2008, I was guilty of what I refer so eloquently as giving a “pity fuck”. It’s not that he needed it, he is quite capable of getting women however, the point in which we got together, he was in a place of recovery so my “Nurses Syndrome” was triggered to the utmost with his tale of survival and betrayal. He needed me or so I told myself.
I see now the pattern of my past was that I felt sorry for people and wanted them to feel good about themselves (obviously wasn’t feeling good about me) and then would end up in a relationship because they’d stick around.
This then meant my relationships were always out of balance. Me either saving or being saved meant the energy of the relationship was set to damzel and once it’s set and everyone knows their roles, even after a year away from one another, it’s only a matter of time before people go back into them UNLESS BOTH people are conscious enough to be mindful of wanting something different.
This last year, as I’ve learned discernment, I learned, by seeing someone as damaged, I did not have the capacity to see them in their true light and even more sadly love and be loved. If I see someone as damaged, how in the WORLD am I able to acknowledge their Divine Masculine and HONOR them at the core of their being?
My ex husband had the constant battle of having to prove his worth and feeling defeated by a woman who saw him as broken and needing for the hero that was her to be there for him (ego much?!?). Once the weight of fixing someone became too much, I wanted out and for my own safety, needed to be out.
So there I was, single again and realising I hadn’t been single for longer than a month since I was 16. I needed some sexual healing even Marvin Gaye couldn’t provide.. lol
I could either keep doing as I’ve always done and dive at the first person to come (no pun intended) my way and allow them to help save me from myself (projecting it as saving them) or I could realise I am the one I’ve been waiting for and wine dine and pamper the shit out of myself. And I’ve done so more grader than I could ever ask of another. I’m actually pretty generous and seem to always know what I feel like. Awesome scenario to be in.
I started saying no to people even if my yoni was saying yes yes YES! No longer was I to be ruled by an orgasm and I’ve come to realise that being single for longer than 2 weeks doesn’t mean I’m not lovable, it actually means I am and love myself.
I’ve completely enjoyed this process, reconnecting to my heart, learning my worth, using discernment and meeting interesting people along the way which have helped me to define what I am creating for myself now.
I am able to see people as perfect, whole and complete that just need reminding of that and am finding it extremely interesting to find a man who is open to being honored in such a way.
It is the time of Sacred Union and Divine Sexual Alchemy and I am playing solo 😉 . Every quality I seek in someone else is simply a quality I too can own therefore I need no one. This opens me up to truely honoring someone and when we both are ready, we will experience something which moves heaven and earth.
Now while this is no fairy tale and holds no knight in shining armour, It is a true tale of a princess who rescued herself from the dragons lair all to realise, she is actually the dragon.
Peace to the Yoni and Lingam on this day and all the days of your life.. May they be honored for the perfect design that they are.
❤ ❤ ❤